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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.