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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?