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At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.