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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.