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9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
I am hungry 25 hours a day
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.