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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”