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A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.