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I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.