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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.