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I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."