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Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.