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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!