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Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
Insert coin to view my status message.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.