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honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?