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Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.