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I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
You had me at 0 mutual friends