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No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
So... Where does one obtain minions?
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."