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If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.