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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.