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Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Don’t believe everything you think.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.