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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.