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At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.