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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. Iām feeling pretty awesome!!
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.