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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.