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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
I`m a Leader not a follower. Unless it`s a dark place...then you`re going first!
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.