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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.