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Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.