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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.