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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife`s is around $643.27. Apparently
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
“I saw that.” -Karma
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)