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If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.