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FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
You made several good points, and I understand that you are right, but the way you said it was so douchey I have to take an opposite stance.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.