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That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.