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How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?