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Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.