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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
Been there, done that. allegedly
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business