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I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.