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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"