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I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?