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I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.