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Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.