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Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
I have nothing!
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.