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At least my motivation gets to sleep in.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.