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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.