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I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.