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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"