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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...