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Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
Reincarnation is my only hope.