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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....