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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.