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Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.