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I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.