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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.