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I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.