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I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
The only dates I get are updates.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!