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"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"