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Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.