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I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.