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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
take me drunk i`m home
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...