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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.