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Screw it, Iām starting Friday now.
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, Iām forty. I have one.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.