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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.