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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!