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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?