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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
is spending my children´s inheritance.
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
This status has been censored by Facebook
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!